Surrender

A/N: I wrote this about a week or two before actually starting my blog. So, I may be overlapping on some information from that story of my testimony, just so that you know.

This is also another part of my testimony, so, hopefully you are enjoying getting to know me on a deeper level.

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A few months ago, I was on a mission’s trip of sorts with my Bible College. We were going to churches, youth groups, soup kitchens, and the like, to spread the word of God and share our testimonies. It just so happened, that at our first stop, God called me to share a bit of my testimony, along with a message for the evening. Our theme was ‘fight the good fight’, coming from the verse in the Bible: 1 Timothy 6:12.

From my testimony, God drew out a story that didn’t seem to match the theme. However, as I continued to pray, write, and think, God helped me to turn what tiny fragments I was seeing, into a full story. The theme of my talk, being ‘surrender’.

*Record Scratch*

… But Ashley, the theme is fight the good fight. Why on earth would you talk about surrendering!? That’s completely against the theme. Bear with me as I share what I shared there, and what I will add for those that read this.

Early on in my life, there was a lot that happened. With my family, with my friends, with school, and everything in my life. It all seemed to come to a catalyst when I was twelve, where I completely spun out of control. From there, I became very depressed and anxious. It was a regular occurrence for me to lie on the ground, and simply stare at the carpet fibers, wondering why I was stuck in this miserable existence. My life was spiralling out of control. There was nothing that I felt that I could control. Not the people. Not the circumstances. Not what had been done. Not what would be done. Topped with having depression and anxiety, two very unpredictable and rattling things, I was basically a horse speeding out of control with no rider.

So, as a child desperate for something to take control of, I took control of my eating. Took the reins back to my life.

It didn’t start out being an eating disorder. I didn’t wake up one morning and think ‘I’m just not going to eat again, and maybe I will be able to be super skinny and live my best life’. It started with choking on a chicken bone. From there, I continue to make excuses that I felt my tonsils swelled.

Time passed, where I was eating barely anything, and if I did, it was something liquid. No one could make me eat. People gave me food, but it was my choice to eat it, or not. I had control over something for once in my life. Now, as a 13 or 14-year-old, it was something that I desperately needed. Just the idea that there was something that other people couldn’t control for me.

It freaked out my mom, and she took me to the doctor to check me out. They said there was nothing wrong with my throat or tonsils. It didn’t seem like there was anything really wrong with me, other than an extreme amount of fear and animosity towards the idea of eating again. (Whether that was because I was freaking myself out, or in a current state of rebellion, I do not know). I had lost 15 pounds, and not in a good way.

My parents were getting frustrated, and others too. They didn’t see what I was seeing. Feeling what I was feeling. Until finally, one evening, I had a heart to heart with God. Where I felt almost audibly, that He said ‘Ashley, give me the reins’. It was in that moment, that a fear like never before hit me. Give Him the reins? The one thing that I owned, that I could control. He wanted me to surrender? Surrender it to Him? After all this time of fighting, and clawing for something to hold onto, He wanted to take it away.

It wasn’t just that, that He wanted me to surrender. It was everything. The pain. The depression. The anger. The anxiety. The eating. Every thought. Every feeling. God wanted me to surrender my all to Him in that moment. It was a while later, in another evening, when I broke down. Sobbing in my bed, trying to subdue the pain, where I finally said ‘Lord, I don’t want this anymore. This life, or anything in it. So, you need to take it. You need to do with it what you want, because I don’t want any of this anymore’. I surrendered my all to Him.

There has never been a moment of regret in my life since.

Here’s the thing, surrender has a bad rep. It really does. Even typing the word sends little shivers down my back. We associate the word surrender, with defeat. If you surrender, you’ve lost something. You’re weak. Someone is the loser. However, that is not always true. God does not tell us to surrender, so that we lose. He tells us to surrender, so that we can be free. So that we can win the good fight. We surrender what is holding us back, so that we can reach a brighter and better ending.

In high school, I was in Euro AP. In other words, social studies, but for those that specifically wanted to delve deeper. So, I am not sure if this is a universal knowledge or not, but we are going to talk about Napoleon. Now Napoleon was… let’s just say, a special guy. He had a big man complex and was definitely compensating for something. He had big aspirations. Which were basically to conquer all of Europe, so that He, as a ruler of France, could rule one gigantic unified France.

Obviously, the other countries were not very big fans of this idea. They revolted. Fought back. However, Napoleon managed to win a lot of the battles. To the point that people were getting scared that he was going to succeed. Even Russia, a gigantic super country, seemed to quiver in fear of the man and his resources.

When he invaded Russia, they pulled back. They burned a city, filled with food, and materials, because they knew he was coming close. That sounds like fear to me! They were willing to burn down a town, just because he was getting near with his troops. They surrendered that place, part of their territory.

However, it was in that surrender, that they started to win the battle.

Napoleon thought he was going to win the battle. He pressed on, probably all puffed up by winning this city. However, what he didn’t realize, is that Russia had basically made it impossible for them to replenish their footstock. As they continued to press onward, it dwindled. Along with their food running out, the weather got worse. It was the Russian winter, like none had endured. There were no warm cities for them to stay in, because they were burned.

Napoleon went into Russia with over 600,000 men… he got out with his own life barely intact. Russia won the battle.

Russia had to surrender parts of their country, for a greater victory. To be able to reach the ultimate goal. Did it hurt? Probably. I mean, if I lived in those cities, I probably wouldn’t be very thrilled with burning up all of my things just for a strategy. However, they were willing to lie down what they needed to, to be able to move on. To be able to get the victory.

It is this, that God calls us to do. He calls us and asks us to surrender the things that hold us back. All of the things that may keep us from claiming a greater victory. Friends, family, addictions, habits, sins, choices, mistakes, control. God asks us to have faith in Him. To trust in Him, and His will.

Proverbs 3: 5-6~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

I am not sure if you have ever taught horse lessons, but I have. When those kids are pulling back their reins, and holding them so tight, it confuses and frustrates the horse. They go backwards, they get numb to the pulling and careen on. It is never a good thing when we hold onto those reins so tight that no one can help us. God wants to helps us. He wants to help you. He wants you to give up those reins, so that He can lead your path. So that He can have control. He is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. If there is anyone qualified to have control in our lives and on this earth, it is Him.

I think every person reading this, will have one thing that comes to mind instantly, that they know that God wants them to give up. It may be something as small as insulting yourself, to something as big as a porn addiction or relationship. If God is asking you to surrender something to Him, it is not because He wants you to hurt. It is not so that you will lose and fall down so He can stomp on you.

He asks you to surrender those things, so that He can teach you. So that He can heal you. He wants to give you a greater victory. Lead you to a greater destiny. We are fighting the good fight as Christians and believers on this earth. He wants to help you fight that fight, to the best of your abilities. Let Him do that for you.

I’ll be honest, God has been convicting me of that lately even. I was at a church service with a friend, and the pastor told us to ask God, one thing that we needed to know (or something along those lines). God said ‘Ashley, you’ve given your heart to anxiety’.

Wow… hard pill to swallow. Especially considering I thought that was something behind me. However, it was true. Soul searching, and heart scouring, brought up that He was right (would you believe it?). I have given myself to anxiety. Almost treating it as my own god. That is what He has been telling me to surrender to Him. It sounds like an easy thing to do, but it is a process. We desperately grasp anything we can sometimes, because it feels like we are drowning.

However, it is important to remember, that God allows us to walk on water. That our faith can be strong enough that no storm, or turmoil can drag us down. Don’t let that which you feel you cannot surrender, weigh you down into the storm. Give it to God and let him help you walk.

I want to give one last encouragement, before we pray and end this. This encouragement comes from the verse Matthew 11:28. It says “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I am not sure about you guys, but I am exhausted. Exhausted of fighting sin or mistakes I’ve made or fighting against God. I am weary and there are so many burdens on me, that I can feel them weighing me down. God wants me to surrender that to Him, and I am more than willing to. He wants you to do that as well. Jesus died on the cross, to take our burdens on his shoulders. What we need to do, is accept that, and take action to surrender.

Let me just pray to close up.

Dear Lord, please help me, and everyone reading this, to know that you can be trusted. That it is okay for us to surrender to you. That you can handle our burdens, and all that we throw at you. Help us to surrender fully and completely to you father. It will be hard. I make no assumptions that it is easy, especially when control is considering such a commodity in our culture. Help me to know and feel Lord, that this is not a weakness, and that I am not losing by doing this. I know that by giving this to you, I am letting you pull me to a greater victory. (Continue as you see fit, and as personalized to your life as you want).

God bless, thank you for reading, and happy Sunday!

~Ashley

Quick question for you guys to answer. There are a few ideas up for grabs, for my next blog post. Comment down below, or email me what you would like to hear next (Also you can suggest or ask for me to write on something. It could be a topic or personal experience. If I do not know, I can always ask and research!):

The Power of Words

Joy: Choice or Emotion?

How I Manage Through Anxiety (My story)