I recently got a new prayer journal, specifically tailored to women (though this is not relevant), and finished my first week of reflection. Every week it gives me a verse to reflect on and then some other prompts to journal about through the week. This may become a series depending on the verses and whether they inspire something within me.
My first week’s prompt was this verse:
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
James 1:19
After reflecting on this verse for the week, I also had a talk with a friend of mine about anger problems and emotional regulation.
For those who do not know me, I would say until I was about 13, I had MASSIVE anger management problems. Now you may be justifying it in your head saying I was just a kid or teen angst or puberty or whatever, but nothing actually makes it okay or justifies the way I would speak, think, and act towards people when they made me upset.
It took me nearly until I was 16, after spending 4 years (God told me about my anger problems when I was 12) of time with God and in devotion, to realize anger is never the emotion you think it is. Anger is just an umbrella emotion. It is the outward expression of something deeper. I am not going to go too deep into the analysis of anger or really what my friend and I talked about.
However, one of the things I mentioned to her and something that got me thinking deeper, was the fact that we live in a ‘comeback culture’. Meaning, we not only take joy in our ability to come up with a scathing comeback but we actually PRIDE ourselves in said ability.
I am guilty of this as well (obviously or I wouldn’t be talking about it). As someone who highly values wit and a sharp mind, there have been times I have patted myself on my back about the things I have quickly snapped back at someone being rude. So much so, that when I was younger I had a booklet online with already scripted comebacks and I MEMORIZED them just in case I ever wanted to use one.
A truly ridiculous and kind of sad thing… considering I was likely no older than fourteen at the time and should not have been wasting hours planning to fight with someone.
But we do value our ability to tell someone off. Sometimes we berate ourselves when we don’t ‘stick up’ for ourselves or let someone walk away thinking they are better. A/N: There is a difference between sticking up for yourself in a real situation versus being in a petty fight/argument where you are just trying to make a low blow.
I think James’ real wisdom in this and the thing God wants us to realize is that you cannot have a productive, edifying, loving conversation when you become angry.
Well, maybe you can, but let me tell you something – I SUCK at conversation if I am angry. Now, obviously there is something underneath the anger. Especially for me where often times I can get angry for no reason just because I am feeling overwhelmed. It’s a defensive mechanism.
My body decides because the outside stimuli is too much that I must begin to get angry because obviously I am being attacked and I need to defend myself.
And that is where the anger problem lies. When we get angry, our focus is no longer on conversation, it is about defending ourselves from being attacked. This does not make us feel better, it doesn’t make the situation better, and it leads us to hurting other people. What is the first thing we do when we are angry and feeling hurt? We want to hurt the other person.
You may try to justify it and say that’s not what you want to do… but deep down inside every single one of us is a little monster who wants the person who made us feel bad to feel bad too.
So then we circle back to ‘comeback culture’ or even revenge culture. Where someone says something mean online and we quickly type back a nasty response we would never say to someone’s face and people reply and they are supportive and saying ‘yes you tell them’ and clapping their hands.
Not only does culture applaud this, it calls for it. To the point where other people will get angry for you and make comebacks for you. We are all so quick to get angry and lash out and it is really ugly guys. So ugly.
Which is why James says be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger. By being slow to speak, we prevent the immediate first blow.
My biggest tip for people who suffer from anger issues is to teach yourself to recognize the signs and to communicate with someone “I am actually getting angry right now. Is it okay if we talk about this later when I have calmed down?”
Anger doesn’t do anything for anybody and it just leads to more frustration (which falls underneath the umbrella of anger) and then the situation escalates.
By being quick to listen, it gives us the opportunity to understand the other person and it gives the other person the opportunity to process through their own emotions. There have been times where I have been a raging hulk machine and I don’t even know why I am upset and I know for a fact there have been times where my Mom has just waited until I figure it out. It is probably why I now self-regulate where when I am upset, I take a step back, and in my head I talk through why this is so problematic.
And obviously being slow to anger is important. Anger is a defense mechanism. It comes in rearing its head when we feel wronged, disrespected, neglected, HURT. It can be an umbrella for frustration, sorrow, grief, wrath, feelings of being ambushed, being overwhelmed.
I think the reason comeback culture is so toxic and why anger is so dangerous if you do not keep it in check is because both willfully HURT other people.
Like take a second and really think about this.
We live in a culture that glorifies your ability to hurt someone else.
And it can be different. I mean kids these days also call it clapback culture and there are some times where it is not entirely malicious but a learning curve. Specifically I think about in Pretty Woman when the women will not serve Julia Roberts character who is a prostitute and she returns an hour later dressed in Gucci with Dior bags and Prada and all this stuff and she says “hey I came in here earlier, and you wouldn’t serve me”. And the women look at each other in a little bit of shame and she shrugs and goes “big mistake.”
In that instance it is to prove a point and she is not attacking the character or person of the other.
However, I think we often get into a place of self-righteous indignation where we are not slow to speak and we start going off on someone who makes us feel defensive and then we refuse to listen to anything they say and it just builds and builds and then they say something hurtful and you decide to say something hurtful too.
And I think the cycle perpetuates itself because then you are both hurt but because you are angry and because you do not want to appear vulnerable, the two of you make it seem like you’re not even hurt. So you ignore one another and grudges build and bitterness grows.
The ridiculous thing is when this happens online and you don’t even know one another but you are insulting one another simply because you feel called out or you’re getting your panty’s in a twist.
When realistically, it’s disgusting that we would ever desire to hurt them in the first place.
I understand the desire to defend one’s self. You are attacked and so you want to attack them back, but this is so totally not what God has called us to. He calls us to forgiveness. To goodness. To gentleness. Kindness. Love. Compassion.
Compassion is stopping when you are angry and listening to the person.
Here’s where the heaping the coals on your enemy’s head comes in. Just keeping letting them talk. Eventually they will either realize what a jerk they are, or they will not and it is not your problem.
I was thinking this wouldn’t get too much into the anger side of things but too late. It’s been what we’ve talked about.
One of the biggest problems I see with two people getting angry is that by being angry you make yourself seem untouchable. At least, I think that is what people believe. When realistically anger is A) a sign of immaturity and B) always indicative of a person’s true emotions and feelings. Underneath all that bubbling anger there is a very hurt person.
Something I recently (in the last year) realized is that being hurt, crying, and vulnerability are not weakness. We are human beings. We hurt. We experience joy and sorrow and anger and happiness. Sometimes we cry from joy and sometimes from pain. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness or pitifulness but a sign of strength and that you have a heart and EXIST.
Congrats, you’re human.
What I have started doing (to go back to the point of the upper paragraph) is telling people when they are hurting me. Like I said, anger can make us appear untouchable. So, when people get angry and they say hurtful things, I tell them. I will give you a warning – be careful who you do this with. Some people do not care and will exploit it. I have met people where it appears they have no redeeming qualities underneath the bitterness.
However, by saying ‘this hurt me’ you are not putting the oweness onto them. If they continue raging, trying to make low blows, or hurt you, they are the monsters – not you.
I did this out of the blue the first time. It wasn’t even an argument… I had just made a joke I did not realize was scathing and the person did not realize I was joking and meant no offense. He got angry and snapped back by saying something about how I would never succeed as a writer.
Ouch.
Probably one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me. The opinions of those I do not care about personally do not matter to me, but this was someone I love. Someone who I have allowed to hold an opinion of me that matters.
My brain immediately went to what I could say in response.
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
It was a moment where my quick tongue knew exactly what to say. I am an incredibly perceptive person which means I know exactly the right buttons to push. Unfortunately, it is a dangerous part of myself I have to keep in check, because I can seriously hurt someone with nothing more than a sentence or two.
However, I was slow to speak. I forced myself to. Sitting there, I shut my mouth, and forced myself just to be calm. To listen to others talking and to listen to God. Whereas I had unknowingly hurt him, he INTENTIONALLY tried to hurt my feelings.
Instead of getting angrier and saying something to hurt him back, I decided instead to force the anger down (the defensiveness) and instead I let myself feel the hurt. When I next spoke to him, I looked him in the eyes, and I said “congratulations, you managed to hurt me.”
And I walked away.
Within an hour, he came back and apologized.
This is not supposed to be about how ‘holy’ or ‘Christian’ I am refusing to retort, it is about acting in a way that is honouring to God and that prevents more wounds. It can be scary to admit we are hurt because it puts ‘power’ into another’s hands but honestly I would prefer to be vulnerable and know they are cruel, than to be cruel and know I have hurt someone.
Because you have – hurt someone that is. In your anger, I am willing to bet you have inflicted many wounds. I know I have been on both sides and I do not think there has been a time where someone has been angry towards me and I have not been hurt or vice versa.
We are incredibly good actors, especially when we are attempting to ‘protect’ ourselves. Someone may appear invincible because they do not flinch or cry in front of you… but that just means they are too scared of you to be vulnerable. Which I think is a sad reflection on who you are.
Be quick to listen – you may learn something. Slow to speak – you may prevent hurt and bitterness in someone. Be slow to anger – because anger will convince you to ignore the other two steps.
Father, may you make us quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Refine us to be more like you. When our emotions begin to rise and our body feels the need to lash out to protect ourselves – could you remind us you are our Protector? Father, may we not fear vulnerability but embrace it. You made us to be beautifully human and there is no shame in the fact that as such we sometimes experience awful things.
Father, I pray you would teach us to respect emotions but also to understand sometimes they are misplaced. Our feelings are not fact and they do not make us right or excuse and justify what we do. Lord, I pray for the people I have hurt in my anger, or even when I have been too quick to speak and making a ‘witty’ response. Give me the opportunity to apologize in person please Lord and convict me of those who still have a burden against me.
Heal the harsh words. Hasty actions. Lashings. Make us as your body compassionate, loving, kind, gentle, and good. I pray our words and actions would honour you in all that we do.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
God bless!
~ Ashley
P.S. Also people will say, well I’m just roasting someone or sharing how I ‘feel’ – thinking the first makes them funny and the second excuses them from saying awful things – no you’re just hurting someone and you’re proud of it.
A Light in The Darkness 