(*Disclaimer* Until the next asterisk this was all a series of messages I sent to myself via Messenger so I apologize if it is not coherent. I will try to explain better.)
I saw this thing on Pinterest and it says when in a fight, always assume ignorance not malice. So I’ve tried to use this philosophy in day to day life. I am in a current situation where I have verbally told a friend a certain behaviour they do bothers and hurts me. We have had an eye to eye, face to face conversation about this where they apologized and said they would not do it again.
And yet, they are still doing it. I do not assume malice, but I can no longer assume ignorance because they know. Which brings me into something almost worse than the two, apathy. It is not a deliberate attempt to hurt me or send me a message, and it is not that they do not know. It is simply they do not care.
So I’m brush my teeth just now 9:45 pm on Monday the 14th thinking about this. Planning out the confrontation in my head. Being upset and annoyed and hurt. Thinking about how I’d say to them “I told you this hurt me, so it’s not that you don’t know. You are not trying to hurt me so it’s not like you’re being malicious. So the next thing to assume is apathy. You just do not care that this is hurting me, at least you do not care to stop.”
They’d say something about how I needed to forgive them and give grace and I’d go “I have forgiven you, I love you. This isn’t a matter of forgiveness this is a matter of trust. This is a pattern of behaviour you have acknowledged, apologized for, and said you will stop and yet you continue to. I have forgiven you, grace is another thing.”
And God just stopped me right there. Punched me in the gut. Convicted me so much I spat out my toothpaste, stopped in the middle of brushing and am now sitting on the floor with my headband still in my hair, phone on the charger to write this out. We do this so often!!!
At least I do.
Where I know the sin I am committing is hurting God, that He has told me to stop, but I still do it. Out of malice or apathy does not change it. There are mistakes. I know that and I know that even with my friend which is why there is grace and mercy. However there are only so many mistakes before it becomes a willful choice not to learn and be better.
God just convicted me. He tells me to stop the behaviour, I do it, He forgives me AND He gives me grace. Despite the fact I maybe don’t deserve it. Despite the fact it hurts Him. He continues to give me chance after chance after chance. Forgiveness is more than not holding a grudge, it is hoping for lack of a better word that they will do better. It is grace and mercy. That is what God meant to forgive 70×7.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
I was thinking in my internal argument that I should ask the person how many chances I am supposed to give them. How much grace and laughing off the hurt should I have to do. And then God burst in and brought that to my lap. Why should I put a number on forgiveness and grace when he does not? There is a difference between letting them off the hook and giving grace. Letting them off the hook is letting them walk all over you. Grace is understanding that learning a new way is difficult when you’re stuck in the old.
I have often wondered if this were a human relationship, would it be abusive? Us the abusers and God the abused. As a girl I’ve told many other girls to ditch dudes like the kind I am to God. Saying she’s too good for him. He doesn’t respect her. That he treats her like a doormat. As funny as the imagery is, I wonder if God were my gal pal whether I’d tell ‘her” to ditch the guy. Probably.
* I kind of wish I continued on my Messenger path because I remember thinking of a great one-liner that brought chills and now my mind is blank and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was. Honestly, I think the messages I sent myself are enough alone to strike some thought into people and I feel no reason to add onto it.
God thank you for putting up with me even though I do not deserve it. Thank you for forgiving me despite how often I screw up. You are too good for me God and I know it. There is nothing I can do to deserve you in all your incredulity. I am sorry Father for the times I am not contrite and I make wrong choices, knowing they hurt you. I will try to be better.
God I pray you give me grace and mercy for others as you give me grace and mercy. Make me more like you Lord. Thank you. In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.
God bless!
~ Ashley
P.S. I am sure by the time you see this the ‘current’ situation will be over.
A Light in The Darkness 