Comparison. A deadly poison spreading itself among young girls and guys since the beginning of the world. Well, the beginning of the Fall. On the simplest level of ‘depression’, hopelessness and a lack of fulfillment I wonder if we would find the beginning seeds of comparison and through it jealousy, envy, and a sense of purposelessness.
It is incredibly easy, especially in these days, to log onto Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, any of the long list of social medias and see a picture-perfect, crafted life. We see the highlight reel of someone our age with their expensive sports car, a house already paid off, living in what seems to be a luxurious, full life. In taking a look at our own life, we wonder why we are not where they are. Why are they ahead of us? Why can we do nothing to achieve what they have?
Capitalism benefits off the idea of us comparing ourselves to one another. Go to the gym and what is our instant reaction most of the time? Look at the people around us. See how fit they are, how they look when doing a certain move, how we look different than them. Ads, magazines, commercials, models are splashed across billboards so big you cannot ignore them. Touched with Photoshop. Flawlessly smoothed over.
Mom guilt. Your kids do not look as perfect as another families. Where did you go wrong? How are their children so well-behaved? Is it your fault? Are you a bad Mom? You look at the Instagram mother with four kids in her perfectly cleaned house with a happy looking husband and wonder what’s her trick. Sometimes it is comparing yourself even to your Mom or who you used to be. How did you get here?
It is terrifying to see how toxic comparison can get and make a person. Watching it in relationships where they compare themselves to exes or to their partner and see themselves lacking or see themselves as better than. Friendships where one friend looks at the others and thinks they are perfect and perpetuate this misunderstanding. Leading people to put people on pedestals where they can only fall and those who believed it are led to disappointment.
Humans were made to be perfect but it is not something we can achieve. For all our preaching on ‘keeping it real’, we can be faker than those knock-off purses given away by street vendors for cheap.
There is something to be said for healthy comparison/competition. If you watch the second, third, fourth, fifth child in the family, they tend to develop faster than the first and the one before them because they are surrounded by children to whom they compare themselves. On a basic level, they are competing to keep up with their older siblings. My first nephew is only now beginning to speak in sentences at 3, and his younger brother who is almost 2, is at the same level of speaking. They spur each other on to be better.
In this, the comparison is not about tearing ourselves down or someone else, it is about building ourselves up. Getting better. I compare myself to the person I used to be because I know if I do not have growth there is something going wrong. My health should always be getting better. My writing skills should always be developing. I should be growing in my faith. Comparing myself to where I was a year ago is a huge boost in my confidence in faith because I am mentally stronger than I was a year ago, or even in January.
The problem comes when we start to assume what we see as a perfect mask is all there is. I can promise you, no matter how adept a parent, they have bad days. People have bad days. Kids have bad days. Messes are made. Kids get hurt. Parents lose it sometimes. That gym person you think you are never going to look like and stopped working out because there was no point? Probably eats like crap sometimes. He probably didn’t always look that way.
When we use the way someone else’s life looks as a way to let ourselves off the hook of trying, it is foolish. It does not have to be in pursuit of the way they are, but to make your own path. On the other hand, we also need to be careful we do not equate the value of our lives based off the way another’s looks.
You are not the same person as the people you are watching. If you are a mother, your parenting style will always be different because are different. Kids are their own individuals and they react differently to different things. The guy who has the career you want had to make his own way and maybe he did it by doing things you would never want to see. Maybe he’s alone at the top. The Youtuber or Influencer you idolize because they live the lifestyle you want could be struggling in the exact same way, just with more money in their bank account.
Comparison is a lie and a trap that leads us to feel unfulfilled with our current state of progress and can often lead to bitterness towards ourselves, our families, and even God. We start to blame Him for our lack of success or for how our lives look.
Comparison is the enemy of contentedness, something God calls us to. We are called to be content and grateful for where we are.
I get it guys. Seriously I thought at this point in my life I would be married, have a kid or two, live in my own beautiful house, all my books would be published, one of them would probably be a movie, I would have definitely been on Ellen and lived my life.
I am living at home, currently unemployed, single, and if we’re being really honest the Quarantine Fifteen got me.
Looking at Instagram or Facebook or Youtube or Pinterest or Tik Tok (God forbid) it would be easy to compare myself to other 21 year olds out there living the life I always thought was ‘mine’. It has led to some pretty bitter thoughts in complete transparency and sometimes I get upset about it, and then I realize just how blessed I really am. When I stop comparing, whether to make myself better than others or less than, I see just how blessed I truly am.
I have three adorable lovely nephews, a beautiful niece, a family I love even when they drive me crazy. God has provided for my needs, I have a car, friends that I LOVE doing mini-adventures with. My body functions well enough to go on hikes and to carry me around. I can workout without dying. My books are still progressing, I have this blog.
Life can be tough, especially when we put the pressure on ourselves to perform for the eyes of others. And this is where I segue into the truest part of this blog post.
WE ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO COMPARE OURSELVES TO GOD AND CHRIST. He is the model. He is the bar. Not humans, not anyone else. Every human is flawed and there is a darkness in their life they prefer to keep behind shut doors from prying human eyes. (I am sure they would prefer to keep it from God’s eyes too but unfortunately that is impossible.) God is supposed to be our ideal. His life, His ministry, His richness. Jesus is supposed to be the standard.
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:48
But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:15-16
Not some person you see with perfectly calm kids or the dude with the career and car you want. Fitness Instagram is great and it helps people with quick workouts, but those chicks with the abs and the toned arms and legs are not supposed to be the be all and end all. God is.
We are supposed to model ourselves after Him. The only person we are supposed to compare ourselves to is Jesus. This is where the healthy competition and comparison comes in. It would be easy enough to look at Jesus and glance back at ourselves and be disappointed. God knows I need to be more like Jesus. There are times where I catch myself and I honestly question how He could love me, how anyone could really love the uncensored, raw Ashley when life is falling apart.
God loves me. Jesus is our standard yes and an ‘impossible’ one to reach while on earth, but that is not reason to mourn but reason to rejoice. I am a competitive person. Unfortunately for the kids I pelted and yelled at during dodge-ball at camp and my teammates in board games. There are times where I literally have to leave the table during board game night to breathe and remind myself it’s just a game. (I am putting in a C.S. Lewis quote I literally used like yesterday writing one of last week’s blog posts but I seriously love it and it applies to this, so I am putting it in again.)
I find a good many people have been bothered by what I said in the previous chapter about Our Lord’s words, ‘Be ye perfect’. Some people seem to think this means ‘Unless you are perfect, I will not help you’; and as we cannot be perfect, then, if He meant that, our position is hopeless. But I do not think He did mean that. I think He meant ‘The only help I will give is help to become perfect. You may want something less: but I will give you nothing less’.
C.S. Lewis
When we put God where He belongs as the Most High it starts us on a trajectory of being better. Life is not all about ambition despite how the world may make it seem. A good life is not the kind of life everyone seems to compare themselves to. It is not the fancy car, massive house, six figure paycheck, fancy dinners, drinks by the beach (or lake for Canada), and the way you dress and the ‘respect’ you get. It is not respect rich and powerful people have most of the time, it is envy and worship. Which maybe they like but it is shallow and will disappear the moment they lose what they have.
A good life is the one people rarely compare themselves to. One of love. Family, friends, God. A church family and the fellowship that comes through the Body of Christ. It is being content in the understanding that no matter where you are, whether the CEO in an office or the mail checker in the office, you are serving a divine purpose alongside the King of Kings.
Our behaviour, our ambition, should be in line with Christ or it is only going to lead to unfulfillment.
I am not saying money and the other things cannot make you feel fulfilled for some time. Heck, I’d like my nice lake cabin in my Jeep with money rolling in and the ability to go to Rome if I wanted to at the drop of the hat. However, I also know the temporary fulfillment of those things is just going to lead to the same empty feeling you get when you compare yourselves to them and find yourself lacking.
The world promises heartbreak and disappointment because let me tell you something. When you compare and value yourselves according to the standards of others. Mothers, fathers, CEOs, dancers, celebrities, actors, singers, influencers, etc etc… you are going to be let down. There will always be someone higher, someone more powerful, and when you get to the top you get to look down off the tall ladder you climbed all by yourself.
Jesus promises eternal contentedness. Not even contentedness. He promises PEACE, JOY, LOVE, HOPE. I would much rather pursue Jesus and try to achieve a character like His, than go with my earthly ambitions and lose myself to a world filled with broken hearts and spirits.
So stop comparing yourself. Stop looking at the way you look as opposed to someone else. You are beautiful. God created you unique from others, how incredible is that!? The God of the universe HAND-CRAFTED you for this earth. He looked at that face and said it is is good. You have a kick butt body with so many different functions and let me tell you, we can upgrade the body. Using those incredible legs that have carried you for X amount of years, you can run. You can jump. You can get there. If you want to run the race Jesus did, start practicing. No one can be you and as cheesy as that sounds, it is true. Comparing yourself to other people is never going to workout because you will never look like them and that is GOOD. You should look like you. The incredible child of God He created you to be.
Stop looking at what other people have. It scares me to think about what they may have needed to do to get there. Even if there is nothing wrong on the way up, they worked their butts off. Compare your work ethic to Jesus and see if that helps. Work diligently. Do all things unto the Lord. If God asked you to do something, you would jump to it and you would not cut corners or put in half effort. Do everything as if God Himself asked.
(EDIT:: From future Ashley after I scheduled this post, and now thought of something more to add. It is interesting to me how often we focus on the physical representation of ourselves for comparison than spiritual. We look at someone’s body, or someone’s house, or the external presentation of a person through their materials. Which is why modelling after God can be so difficult for people because it is not so much physical or external transformation but the change and molding of the internal and spiritual (which can lead to physical). I do honestly believe it is a trick of Satan because when we are looking and comparing in the physical we are ignoring our spiritual needs and growth in our Spirit which stops us from connecting with God and moving in His Kingdom. And then if we do compare ourselves to other people’s spirituality or personality traits it is always ‘I wish’ when it should be ‘I could or I pray’. Only comparing and wishing to be better means nothing when it takes effort, prayer, and God to change in Spirit. You want to grow? Go to the one who planted your roots and who nourishes you like no other.)
Choose your role models wisely, we know everything we need to know about Jesus to know He was ultimately good. We saw behind the scenes. How He treated women who were known as objects at the time. The way He treated children who were literally ignored and treated like bugs until they were of marrying or working age. Watch how He treated the blind, the ignorant, the lame, the sick, the outcasts.
The ‘success’ of our life should not be defined by the material things. It should be about our character. How we treat other people. Do we help the needy? Are we building His kingdom? Would the way we are acting, thinking, behaving make our heavenly Father proud?
Before comparing yourself to someone, ask yourself if you know enough about them to want to model your life after them. Shiny things tend to blind us towards the dirt hiding underneath the surface.
And to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.
1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
Just thought this would be a nice little thing to add. Minding our business which can also involve not envying other people based off a snippet of their life we see. A quiet life is rarely what we crave on this earth.
Thank you Lord for creating me unique. Thank you for this life you have given me. It may not look how I thought or like another’s, but I know it is a life led by you and there is nothing greater. You are my bar God. Help me to be more like you. Change me Father. Make me more like you. I want your heart to love people. Your eyes to see the things of this life. I know my true life, my value, the purpose of my life is not even found on this earth. It is found with you in heaven God and I look forward to you.
Help me never to equate myself by another’s life or a different measure. What and who I am is in you. You are the one who gives me a purpose. You give me a worth. For all the masks and facades, give me sincerity, integrity and genuineness. Never let me be deceived by the lies of this world but keep my eyes on you.
I pray if people look to me they would only see you. See your glory, your holiness, your character working through me. May I be a vessel for you and you work.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
God bless!
~ Ashley
P.S. A secondary quote for you because I discovered it while writing this and loved it. “My main ambition in life is to be on the Devil’s most wanted list.” ~ Leonard Ravenhill
A Light in The Darkness 