As previously mentioned in the blogs, I am an expectation person. While it is not necessarily fair on myself, I still do it, and I know for a fact there are a bunch of people who are similar to me. Especially because the world is so centered on progress. What goals are you meeting each week. Is your ambition high enough? What have you done this week? We are constantly ushered to do more. Accomplish more.
While it is not wrong to set goals and reach them, and it is wrong to be too lazy or unmotivated, there needs to be a balance. God speaks about rest. Specifically the Sabbath rest. We need to have time in the business mindset to take some rest and to pray to God and rest in His presence.
So, maybe you are here with me. I am really annoyed right now because in the expectation mindset, I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be. On part that is my fault. My expectations are not God’s. My will is not His will (thank God for that).
To give a little perspective. I thought at sixteen I was going to be a published author. Making my rounds on talk shows. Sharing the love of Jesus. At seventeen I would have done some mission’s trips. Given millions of dollars back to the community to help them grow. Meet the physical needs of God’s children so they could understand their spiritual needs. By eighteen I would be married, with a house fully paid off, and having shared my wealth, retracting a bit to give from a distance. At nineteen I would either be pregnant or already have my first kid. By twenty, married, kid, big house, multiple books published, maybe a movie franchise started on one of my series, building a homeless rehabilitation center, and able to basically shower people in money and the love of Christ.
As it is, I am twenty years old. Unemployed (as of this moment (I’m working on it)). Single (which I’m not super upset about because my life is currently a mess and no man should be dragged into all of this (gestures wildly at self)). Childless (thank God for that because it would be real awkward for me and the kid about how they would have come along.) Living with my parents (love them, they are great. Thanks mom and dad!). No education to speak of. No books published. Nothing incredible to remark on.
In the sense of progress and expectations I am failing so badly it is almost laughable. However, there are some good things. I’ve done a year of Bible college. I have written a LOT of books (I am still writing and will until the day I die or my arms are literally cut off my body). I have a car (Debra may be a black hole for money but I am grateful for what I have been able to do with her). I have an incredible community of people who uplift me, who love me and challenge me. I have God most of all. My relationship with God, though strained at times by my own childish indignation, is stronger than ever. I depend fully on Him and in Him. Fame, money, the earthly things? Are nothing. Nothing. Nothing matters outside of Him.
To be honest. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let down my younger self because I am not ‘achieving’ what I always said I would. It isn’t fair though to myself or to God. Just the same as it may not be fair to you or to God. God’s timing is perfect. There are doors which have been closed, that needed to be slammed shut, because God’s opening doors to better places. Your path may have completely been sidetracked off into a jungle with a whole lot of vines and underbrush and weird monkeys, but if God is forging it, you will just be fine.
In terms of “progress”, I have come to a standstill or have even backslid. However, I do not want to use the earthly definition of the word. I want God’s Word. He is the one who defines my progress and so long as I continue to grow in Him, my strength continues and my progress goes on forever.
Once again, not sure why I have to keep sharing these things which are all on the same train of thought, but I am really hoping God’s doing a work in someone reading this. Maybe He is doing a work on me. Maybe by writing these things I am challenging myself more than ever. Putting it into words instead of trying to ignore the feelings.
I don’t think for healing or growth, God wants us to ignore the voices of accusation. I don’t think He wants us to pretend it isn’t happening. Instead we need to recognize it and recognize that in spite of the accusation or feeling, the fact remains that God has a plan. He is good. He is still working for us, in everything.
Just a reminder, feelings are not fact. You may feel like a failure, but the fact is you are exactly where God wants you to be (and if not you can get there). You may feel alone, but Jesus is always with you. You may feel like God cannot do anything with you because of what you have done, but God calls you ordained and a child of God. You may think you screwed up too much to get back on track, but God says we are never too far.
So, wherever you are at. Stop focusing on progress. Stop focusing on what you haven’t done or have done. Stop internalizing but start eternalizing (don’t know if that worked but I think that’s hilarious.) Go to God. Present your troubles, your victories and your failures to Him. Let Him comfort you. Let Him guide you. Our progress means nothing if it is not sanctified by Him.
God, thank you for taking my life into your hands. Thank you for doing better than I ever could with what you have given me. Thank you Lord that we do not have to measure ourselves against the expectations and desires of the world, but against your Word and your Will for us. God you are good. Thank you for being near to us.
I pray Father, for all those fighting feelings of failure. For those who have expectations which are not being met and feel like they are drowning. I pray for anyone who feels like they are not making any progress or are failing themselves, others, or you. I pray truth God. I pray comfort. God enlighten them to your truth and to your Will. Allow their faith and trust to grow in you. Draw them close and comfort them God. Silence voices which would challenge a way you have not required or ordained. Let your voice rule above all.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.
See ya Thursday! Tell someone you love them today and that they are beautiful and doing great. You never know who needs to hear it.
God bless,
~ Ashley
P.S. Please be praying with me as I search for a job (if I don’t already have one when this post goes up). God has put me into a place of anticipation and I know He has something for me. I am pressing in.
A Light in The Darkness 